so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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