Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
