She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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