Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
