You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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