I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
