I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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