the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
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It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
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I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.