The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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