I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
