I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?