Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
