you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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