That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
