No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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