Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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