I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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