People in love make me want to vomit
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
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Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
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I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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