i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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