Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
