mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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