Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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