My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
