About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
