my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
