It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
