Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
