There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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