you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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