Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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