I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
