God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
