Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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