evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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