I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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