I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
