Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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