I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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