Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
