I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
