Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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