I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize