PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
