It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
