Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize