Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
