I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
