So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
