I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
