yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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