capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
