We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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