it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
