Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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