My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
