I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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