I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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