I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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