She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
