I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
